


Regrets and Hope

by charmerchameleon



Category: Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)
Genre: Canon Asexual Character, Canon Biromantic Character, M/M, Spoilers for episode 174, Zolf has some regrets, rated teen for death and grief themes, there is hope
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:15:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27032527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charmerchameleon/pseuds/charmerchameleon
Summary: Zolf Smith always keeps his head in a crisis, because he knows there will be time for mourning later.When later finally rolls around, he has a lot to think about.
Relationships: Zolf Smith & Oscar Wilde, Zolf Smith/Oscar Wilde
Comments: 5
Kudos: 34





	Regrets and Hope

Zolf has plenty of experience at keeping his head in a crisis. He’d done his absolute best with the landing, difficult as it had been, and there was no point feeling guilty about any injuries sustained. He’d be far more use providing healing for those who needed it _– like whoever had landed over there, for example –_ so he gets to work.

But as he approaches the fallen figure, that line of thought grinds to a halt, because _that can’t be Wilde, he can’t be dead, we were supposed to –_

No. He doesn’t have time for this.

Zolf Smith always keeps his head in a crisis.

Move on.

There will be others in need of healing, and there’ll be time to mourn _– but he doesn’t want to mourn Wilde, because that means accepting that he’s_ – nope. There’ll be time to mourn later, and that’s all there is to it.

*

Later comes sooner than Zolf wants it to. He needs tasks to focus on, something to do, anything to feel like he’s helping so he doesn’t have to think about _laying Wilde out along with the other bodies, bloodstained and eerily still, with lifeless eyes_. He needs to keep busy so he can block out the intrusive thoughts that keep threatening to overwhelm him –

_Feryn. His crew. Putting Sasha back together piece by piece. Abandoning her after she trusted him to help with her condition. Hearing how she and Hamid were lost in Rome. Struggling to comfort Wilde after a fresh betrayal led to quarantine and a scar. Wilde’s eyes widening as Zolf pulled him down by the collar, like something out of a Harrison Cambell novel. Seeing Wilde’s corpse and knowing it was too late, watching his blood seeping into the snow…_

Zolf has always been taught that resurrection is a forbidden art for a reason, but he can’t find it in himself to care. Maybe there was a grain of sense in the original arguments – but that sense was about the injustice of a system where there were rich and poor people, with opportunities and education limited by wealth, and about the dangers of eternal tyranny. But a senseless tragedy like this? Surely that’s exactly the kind of situation that resurrection magic could do the most good in.

And he can’t cast it.

No matter how much he wants to.

Wilde is gone, and Zolf hadn’t been able to save him. If they made it back to Japan, there’d be a set of instructions with all of the intel Zolf would need to take Wilde’s place – they had planned for this eventuality long ago, after all – and the world needed him to follow through. There would be no time for mourning then.

He would have to pick up the papers, read Wilde’s last instructions for him, and do what needed to be done. He’d have to open an envelope in painfully familiar handwriting, knowing that the last thing he’d ever hear from someone he cared so deeply about would be nothing more than an impersonal mission brief. _Unless…_

_Would Wilde have left him a final letter, like Sasha had?_

_What would he have said if he did?_

Zolf glances over at the space where the bodies lay. He’d spent so long wondering how Wilde felt about him since they started working together again – first with a smirk, then with genuine curiosity, and finally with the self-conscious anxiety of someone who really didn’t want to think about why it mattered so much to them. He’d had plenty of time to come to terms with the awkwardness of gradually becoming fond of the man he’d once disliked so intensely, of course, and from there it wasn’t so difficult to recognise the kindling of romantic interest that had become part of his daily life.

_Wilde finally smiling at him after another quarantine ended, offering him a hug with a studied air of confidence betrayed only by his shaking hands, dropping Cambell quotes into their conversations with as much smugness as if they were puns… All the moments where Zolf had wanted nothing more than to tell Wilde how he felt, and had decided against it._

The mission had to come first. Even if the prospect of talking to Wilde hadn’t filled him with dread, because of course it would involve the whole ‘I like you romantically, but not sexually’ conversation that Zolf wishes he didn’t always have to go through, it wasn’t a good idea for the mission. Whether or not Wilde took it well, or felt similarly, things would have changed between them. And there was always the risk of a difficult break-up even if they had tried. Jeopardising their hard-won teamwork and trust for something as simple, as selfish, as silly – _as important –_ as Zolf’s feelings for him would have been foolish.

_If only Zolf had talked to Wilde about it anyway, before he lost his chance for good._

Zolf’s eyes blur with unshed tears. He stares into the campfire and tries not to think about the possibility of a final letter that might say all the things he was too afraid to, once it’s too late to worry about rejection or awkwardness or the impact on the mission. Once it’s too late for Zolf to respond.

Unfortunately, he can think of nothing else.

*

When Cel starts shouting about resurrection magic again, Zolf’s first instinct is to block it out – until he registers that this time, it’s a plan, not a plea.

_They have a chance to get their friends back._

_Wilde might be fine after all._

Zolf starts running towards the space where the bodies are laid out, eager to help if he can.

He has hope.

_And if Wilde does come back, Zolf isn’t going to wait another second to tell him how he feels, mission be damned._

**Author's Note:**

> I thought that Episode 174 portrayed an awful situation and its bleakness very well, and I really admire the ambiguity of the hope that was offered at the end, so I didn't want to write something with a full resolution - I just wanted to explore that moment of potential a bit. (Also, I'm ace and it makes me very happy that Zolf is too.) 
> 
> Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed it!


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